Leading with the Brain in Mind: Understanding Others

This Thanksgiving week, I've been sitting with a quote from a gentle note I received:

It's stayed with me, not just as a kind sentiment, but as a quiet invitation. It opened up a shift in how I think about empathy.

We often treat empathy as a fixed trait, a soft skill you either have or don't. But the brain tells a different story. Empathy isn't one thing, and it isn't automatic. It's a set of processes that can be strengthened, stretched, and brought forward with intention.

I notice this often in client work. Sometimes, I resonate with a story because it mirrors something familiar; my brain fills in the emotional landscape almost instantly. That's intuitive, simulation-based empathy. But other times, especially when working across difference, I have to pause. I ask questions. I shift into reasoning; I work to understand deliberately rather than assume I already do.

That difference matters. It helps explain why empathic accuracy, truly grasping someone's experience, is harder across lines of identity, background, or culture. Our brains are wired to better read people who feel like us. Without intentional design, teams can unconsciously reinforce insider-outsider patterns that limit connection and belonging.

Designing for understanding

Empathy isn't just a virtue. It's a design choice. It shows up in how we pace meetings, what we normalize, and the structures we build for reflection.

The brain's systems for emotion-sharing and perspective-taking don't always activate together. Stress, speed, and uncertainty can interrupt both. That's why leaders who create room for slowing down (i.e., through check-ins, deep listening, and shared reflection) help teams stay grounded in one another's humanity. They create containers where people can stay curious rather than reactive.

Try this: Practices that center understanding

A few small design shifts can help teams move from assumption to accuracy:

1. Invite the story, not just the status: Ask, "What perspective are you holding that we might be missing?"
2. Use structured perspective-taking: When decisions affect multiple roles, walk the walls together.
3. Check assumptions in real time: If something feels off, pause and ask, "Can you say more about that?"
4. Slow the pace of meaning-making: Use reflection rounds or debriefs to surface what's unspoken.
5. Design for difference: Expect variation in pace, expression, and emotional style. These are signs of a healthy, inclusive system.

These are subtle acts of belonging. They don't require us to agree. They ask us to stay close enough to understand.

Leadership for complex times

Empathy doesn't require perfection. It requires presence. When leaders design systems where people are seen and heard, understanding becomes a shared responsibility. The team moves with more care. And the system becomes more capable of navigating conflict and complexity without losing connection.

In a season centered on gathering, I'm especially grateful for the moments when teams choose to stay in it together, even when the path gets complicated.

Further exploration

Books - Dr. David Rock

“I have been interested in ‘what makes us tick’ since as early as I can remember, and my personal interest in brain research has been there since my teens. In 2004 I found that brain research provided a missing piece in our understanding of how to

Dr. David RockDavid Rock

Social

We are profoundly social creatures - more than we know. In Social, renowned psychologist Matthew Lieberman explores groundbreaking research in social neuroscience revealing that our need to connect with other people is even more fundamental, more basic, than our need for food or shelter. Because of this, our brain uses its spare time to learn about the social world - other people and our relation to them. It is believed that we must commit 10,000 hours to master a skill. According to Lieberman, each of us has spent 10,000 hours learning to make sense of people and groups by the time we are ten. Social argues that our need to reach out to and connect with others is a primary driver behind our behavior. We believe that pain and pleasure alone guide our actions. Yet, new research using fMRI - including a great deal of original research conducted by Lieberman and his UCLA lab -- shows that our brains react to social pain and pleasure in much the same way as they do to physical pain and pleasure. Fortunately, the brain has evolved sophisticated mechanisms for securing our place in the social world. We have a unique ability to read other people’s minds, to figure out their hopes, fears, and motivations, allowing us to effectively coordinate our lives with one another. And our most private sense of who we are is intimately linked to the important people and groups in our lives. This wiring often leads us to restrain our selfish impulses for the greater good. These mechanisms lead to behavior that might seem irrational, but is really just the result of our deep social wiring and necessary for our success as a species. Based on the latest cutting edge research, the findings in Social have important real-world implications. Our schools and businesses, for example, attempt to minimalize social distractions. But this is exactly the wrong thing to do to encourage engagement and learning, and literally shuts down the social brain, leaving powerful neuro-cognitive resources untapped. The insights revealed in this pioneering book suggest ways to improve learning in schools, make the workplace more productive, and improve our overall well-being.

Google Books

Merch | Resmaa Menakem – resmaa

Resmaa Menakem – resmaa

Dare to Lead Hub

Daring leadership requires brave work, tough conversations, and showing up with our whole hearts.

Brené Brown