When I work with leaders, I see how quickly the desire to help becomes the instinct to solve.

Someone is discouraged, overwhelmed, quiet, or not quite themselves. A caring leader moves toward advice. They offer a next step or try to remove the obstacle. The offer is generous. But sometimes the person does not need a solution first. They must know they are not alone.

A conversation, a check-in, a smile, or a Teams message can say, “I see you, and you matter here.” That may sound simple, but the brain is social. It reads connection as information about safety, belonging, and whether it can stay open to the world.

Connection is a basic human need

Psychologists describe belonging as a basic human need. We need lasting, positive relationships in which care and recognition are repeated over time.

Neuroscience gives us another way to understand this. Some of the brain’s responses to social exclusion overlap with its responses to physical pain. The two experiences are not identical, but exclusion and disconnection can register in the body as more than an idea.

This is why belonging and inclusion matter in everyday leadership. They shape whether people feel safe enough to participate, take risks, recover from feedback, ask for help, and stay in relationships when work gets difficult.

Connection needs attention and accountability

Relationships need attention, practice, repair, and repetition. While many organizations say people are their greatest asset, only a few design work in ways that protect the relationships people need in order to thrive. We fill calendars, compress timelines, reward urgency, and then wonder why people feel unseen.

Connection is the repeated experience of being recognized, included, and met with enough care that trust has somewhere to grow. Kindness makes that connection visible. 

  • A person remembers who checked in after a hard meeting. 
  • A colleague remembers who made room for their voice. 
  • A new employee remembers who explained the unwritten rule. 
  • A team member remembers who followed up because it mattered, not because it appeared on a project plan.

In the SCARF model, relatedness is our sense of connection with others. When relatedness is threatened, people are more likely to protect themselves. When it is reinforced, they are more able to stay open, curious, and collaborative. 

Try this: Pause before fixing

Connection is usually built in ordinary moments and leaders can practice it in a few concrete ways:

  1. Ask what support is needed. When someone brings you something difficult, ask, “Would it be helpful for me to listen first, or are you looking for ideas?” This gives the other person a choice.
  2. Follow up on something specific. If someone mentions a difficult transition, a sick parent, a child’s performance, or a difficult week, make a note and ask about it later. Follow-up turns a passing conversation into a connection.
  3. Notice who is at the edges. In meetings, pay attention to who is speaking, who is interrupted, who is doing quiet labor, and who is missing from informal networks. 
  4. Name the contribution you saw. “Thank you for that” is a fine response. “Thank you for naming the risk we were avoiding” is more useful. Specific recognition helps people understand what you noticed.
  5. Repair missed connection. If you forgot to follow up, interrupted someone, or moved too quickly into advice, name it. “I realized I went straight into fixing yesterday. I want to come back and ask how you are actually doing.” Repair is one of the clearest forms of kindness.

These practices do not take much time, but they do require attention. Attention is one of the clearest ways we show care. 

A final thought

Many people feel disconnected while being constantly surrounded with people. We do not need to romanticize connection or complicate it. People need to feel less alone.

It can be as simple as a conversation, a check-in, a question asked with genuine curiosity, or a moment of presence when advice would have been easier. Kindness will not solve every problem, but it can help someone feel seen and supported enough to take the next step.

Further Exploration

The Evolution of the Social Brain: Introducing SCARF in 2025
After ten years of new research, the SCARF® Model shows a shift in what motivates performance.
NeuroLeadership InstituteBrigid Lynn, MPH, PhD and Emma Sarro, PhD
Things money can’t buy — like happiness and better health — Harvard Gazette
That’s according to the Harvard Study of Adult Development, which over its 87-year run has generated data that benefits work on other issues.
Harvard GazetteLiz Mineo
From loneliness to social connection: charting a path to healthier societies – Report of the WHO Commission on Social Connection
This landmark report from the WHO Commission on Social Connection highlights that social isolation and loneliness are widespread, with serious but under-recognized impacts on health, well-being, and society. Drawing on the latest evidence, the report makes a compelling case for urgent action. It outlines practical, scalable solutions to strengthen social connection – and calls on policy-makers, researchers and all sectors to treat social health with the same urgency as physical and mental health. The Commissioners envision a future where stronger social bonds improve well-being, reduce preventable deaths, boost education and economic resilience, and ease the social and financial burden of disconnection. This report is a call to act – and an invitation to build a more connected, healthier world.
World Health OrganizationWHO Commission on Social Connection
U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory: Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation, and the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community
In a new Surgeon General’s Advisory, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy warns about the public health crisis that loneliness, isolation, and disconnection pose to the American public. Loneliness and isolation are widespread, with approximately half of U.S. adults experiencing loneliness. Disconnection fundamentally affects our mental, physical, and societal health. In fact, loneliness and isolation increase the risk for individuals to develop mental health challenges in their lives, and lacking connection can increase the risk for premature death as much as smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day. Strengthening the social fabric of our communities is essential in order to improve the health of people and communities and must be a national priority. Addressing loneliness is as vital to protecting our health as addressing obesity, tobacco, or addiction. The Surgeon General’s Advisory lays out lays out a National Strategy to Advance Social Connection, which has never been done before in the United States. It includes six pillars detailing recommendations that individuals, governments, workplaces, health systems, and community organizations can take to increase connection in their lives, communities, and across the country. By strengthening our relationships, increasing connection, and rebuilding the social fabric of our nation, we can improve the health of people across the country.
DHA